My Whole World
by Jo7
Summary: Carby. Angst. Please don't kill/hate me for this fic, it just kinda happened.
1. Chapter 1

"Abby, we've got the victims of a shooting coming in!" Chuny called, poking her head around the staff room door. "We need you out here." Abby sighed, and lifted herself out of the couch. It was nearly the end of her shift, and she just wanted to go home. She was hoping to get away in time to have tea with Holly, but if there was a shooting that was unlikely to happen. She'd most likely have to stay in late into the night. Last night she'd been on the night shift, so hadn't been able to perform her motherly duties, and that also meant she'd been half asleep when Carter took Holly out to nursery on his way to work.  
  
She made her way to admit, running a hand through her hair. "Abby, Susan, you take the first rig, I'll take the second. Chuny, you're with me," Kerry called, walking out towards the doors. Abby followed her quickly, arriving in the ambulance bay just as the first rig arrived. "What have we got?" Susan asked, as they unloaded the patient, a middle aged woman. The paramedic reeled off a list to Susan, as they rushed through to the trauma room with the woman.  
  
"Do you know what happened?" Abby asked, and the woman nodded, taking a deep breath from the oxygen mask.  
  
"My son.he's 10.we were shopping, and he bumped into a man. His bag fell on the floor, and some packages fell out. I.I think they were drugs. And then he just got a gun out. He shot me, I tried to stop him shooting Darren, and he shot me. Darren, what happened to Darren?" The woman was starting to get anxious and Abby helped her lie back on the gurney.  
  
"It's okay ma'am, we'll find out."  
  
***  
  
"Darren, I want Darren!" the woman screamed, thrashing about.  
  
"Please, you have to keep still." Susan turned to Abby. "Abby, can you go find out what's happening with her son?"  
  
"Yeah, sure." She pulled her gloves off, and made her way towards the door.  
  
"There were other people too.a man who tried to help us. Can you find out about him, please?" Abby nodded, and exited the room.  
  
"Hey, Jerry," she called, approaching the desk clerk. "Have we had a 10 year old boy called Darren come in from the shooting? We've got his mother in trauma room 1, and she's asking for him."  
  
"Erm." he stuttered, looking down at the computer.  
  
"Is something wrong Jerry?"  
  
"It hurts! I want my Mummy!" a little girl's scream came from trauma room 2. Abby stared straight ahead at Jerry, the anger boiling up inside her. She'd know that voice anywhere.  
  
"Why the hell didn't you tell me, Jerry?" She didn't wait for his answer, but turned and rushed towards the trauma room, trying to stop the tears which were beginning to fill her eyes.  
  
"It hurts to breathe!" the little girl lying on the gurney screamed. Abby stared at her small body, and the blood that surrounded her chest area.  
  
"Holly!" She ran up to her daughter, not knowing what else to do. "Holly, it's okay, Mummy's here now."  
  
"It hurts." She turned her head to look at her mother, and Abby could see the tears rolling down her cheeks.  
  
"I know, I know sweetie. But you know that Dr. Weaver's a real good doctor, and she's going to make you all better." She looked pointedly at the doctor.  
  
"Your Mum's right Holly, we're going to get you all patched up." Holly smiled slightly, and Abby took her hand.  
  
"What about Daddy?" she asked, staring at Abby.  
  
"What do you mean sweetie?"  
  
"Daddy, he was hurt real bad.he wouldn't talk to me." She started to sob once more. "What's happened to him Mummy?"  
  
"He's gonna be fine," Abby tried to reassure her daughter, while at the same time feeling very insecure herself.  
  
"Hey, have you got any other victims to come in?" Kerry shouted to a paramedic who was passing the door. He stepped inside and shook his head.  
  
"You've got these two, Mercy have three more, and the father of the girl was DOA." He slipped away, not knowing what the words he'd just said meant.  
  
"Are they talking about Daddy?" Holly asked, looking at Abby. "What's DOA mean?" Abby just stared straight ahead, unable to do or say anything. Surely not? So much had happened to them, they'd always been fine. He couldn't just be.No, he'd been stabbed, he survived that, he could survive a simple bullet. "Mummy? Has Daddy gone to sleep?" Abby nodded, putting a hand to her face.  
  
"Yeah, forever," she whispered, stroking her daughter's hair.  
  
"Daddy's dead?" Abby could see little Holly's eyes fill with tears, and she tried to brush them away.  
  
"Don't cry, Holly, don't cry. We're going to be just fine, everything's fine."  
  
"Then why are you crying?" She didn't answer, just watched her daughter. Their daughter. At least she still had Holly.  
  
"Chuny, can you call up to surgery? And get someone to go help Dr. Lewis."  
  
"Surgery?!" Abby looked up, shocked. "It's that bad?"  
  
"The bullet penetrated Holly's lung, which is why she's finding it hard to breathe. I suspect the bullet is now lodged in one of the veins near the heart, and it could possible travel to the heart. We need to perform surgery before."  
  
"Don't talk at me like I'm stupid Kerry!" she yelled, angry. "I know what you're talking about, I'm a nurse in case you hadn't noticed."  
  
Chuny came back over from the phone. "Dr. Romano's coming down."  
  
***  
  
"The GSW woman went up to surgery, she's going to be fine," Susan said, entering the staff room and seeing Abby sitting on the sofa. "Abby, are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah, just fine," she sniffed. "Considering my husband just died and my daughter's in surgery, I'm just fine and dandy." Susan stared at her friend, unable to comprehend what she meant.  
  
"Carter."  
  
"Straight through the heart, they said. He was trying to help the kid." She stopped, and stared up at the ceiling. "He was doing his job, helping someone, and he got shot. That's not supposed to happen Susan."  
  
"Did he.did he come into County?"  
  
"DOA." She shuddered involuntarily, tears streaming from her eyes. "I didn't even get to say goodbye. I couldn't tell him I loved him, just once more.god, I sound like such a clique."  
  
"Abby, that's not cliqued if it's true." Susan wiped away the tears that were filling her own eyes and sat down next to her.  
  
"I love him so much," she whispered. "What am I going to do Susan?"  
  
"Come here," she opened her arms up to her friend, and just let her cry, holding her tight.  
  
"Abby." The door opened, and Romano stepped inside.  
  
"You're finished already?" she sniffed, wiping her tears on her sleeve and pulling away from Susan.  
  
"Abby, by the time we'd got up to surgery, the bullet was right by Holly's heart. We opened her chest up, and tried to fish the bullet out, but it was right round the back. She went into v-fib, and despite our best efforts we were unable to stabilise the heart. The oxygen didn't reach her brain, and so she stopped breathing. I'm sorry Abby, there was nothing we could do." Abby watched surgeon, more tears falling.  
  
"She.she died?" Romano nodded.  
  
"I'm so sorry. If you have any questions, just.don't hesitate to ask." He turned and opened the door, leaving the room quietly.  
  
"What's just happened to me Susan?" She paused, staring straight ahead. "Is it possible to have your whole world torn away from you in less than an hour? An hour ago, I was sitting right here, hoping that I'd be home in time to have tea with Holly, and now I don't have a Holly to have tea with." Susan pulled her friend into a hug once more.  
  
"We're friends Abby, just talk, whatever you want. But I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Thanks," she sniffed. "She was only four. That's too young to die. She hadn't even started to live, and now." She was overcome with sobs once more, and just cried onto Susan shoulder. "I told Carter that I didn't want kids, you know. And I refused his proposal the first time. I was happy as we were, I thought we'd just ruin everything if we changed it. But then, somehow I found myself married to Carter with a daughter. I'm not sure how that happened." Susan smiled comfortingly. "And just thinking about it now, the last five years have been the best years of my life. All my childhood I had to deal with my mother's bipolar disorder, and then I was in an awful marriage, became a drunk, and basically screwed up my life."  
  
"That all lead you to Carter," Susan said, tears still shimmering in her eyes.  
  
"I know. And I didn't realise until I met Carter that I never knew what happiness was before, in my whole life. The last five years we were so happy."  
  
"Then remember the last five years."  
  
"But I don't have anything left, nothing at all."  
  
"You have memories," Susan smiled, releasing Abby from the hug and looking at her pointedly. "Remember how you were so happy together."  
  
"You know, he once told me there's not such thing as being too happy. I guess he was wrong."  
  
***  
  
"Mummy. Mummy. Mummy." Abby could hear the voice calling her, pulling her to the land of the waking. She tried to resist it, to stay in her slumbering state, but the voice continued. "Mummy, wake up." She felt the bed move beneath her, as something sat on it. Or someone. "Mummy!"  
  
"She's sleepy Hol, she was up late last night."  
  
"I wanna say bye." Abby groaned.  
  
"Morning," she mumbled, burying her head in the pillow. "What time is it?"  
  
"Me and Daddy are about to go," Holly explained, bouncing on the bed where she sat at Abby's feet.  
  
"It's half eight," Carter provided. Abby propped herself up on her elbows, and looked at her husband and daughter. Holly looked so cute in her jeans and pink jumper, with her hair up in two bunches. There was something not quite right though.  
  
"Carter, you can't use red ribbons with a pink jumper!" she exclaimed drowsily. "Holly, go get the blue ones off the shelf." The little girl ran off, leaving her parents behind.  
  
"And there I was thinking I'd done a good job," he winked at her, and she laughed.  
  
"Clashing colours isn't good."  
  
"Here Mummy!" Holly jumped back onto the bed and passed Abby the ribbons, which she tied around her hair.  
  
"There, all ready for nursery," she said, placing the red ribbons on the dressing table. She couldn't help noticing that Holly was growing up rather fast. Soon she'd be starting school, both an exciting and scary thought for Abby. "You gonna give me a hug before you go, then monkey?" she asked, opening her arms up. Holly grinned, and hugged her tightly, before leaping off the bed.  
  
"Bye Mummy! I'll see you later." She bounded out of the room and down the hallway to get her shoes and coat.  
  
"I'm going to go and see Gamma after I've dropped madam off, so I'll see you this evening." Abby nodded. "What time does your shift end?"  
  
"I should be off by five. See you later, yeah?" She smiled at him, and he bent down, kissing her.  
  
"Yeah, see you." He turned and walked towards the door. When in the doorway he stopped and turned around. "Love you."  
  
"I love you too. I love you. I love you so much." She looked around the now empty room, at the spot where her husband had been standing just now. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she slowly stood up. She turned towards the dressing table, deciding to put the ribbons back in Holly's room. There were no red ribbons.  
  
*** 


	2. Chapter 2

This was meant to just be a stand alone. But for some reason I was inspired to write more. And yes, I am fully aware that I kind of stole this idea from the episode "Take These Broken Wings". That episode rocked, I loved it, and the form it took seemed right for this fic. Please let me know what you think, and avoid hating and killing me. ;) I'm afraid it doesn't really get much happier 

  
_ "I don't think I realised how lucky I am, you know, until the last few days. How lucky I am. I mean was. I don't feel lucky anymore. I always though that my life was awful, I seemed to attract misery everywhere I went. I was just beginning to believe that I'd sorted my life out. I had a wonderful husband, and beautiful daughter, and amazing friends. Life was great. But then once again that misery came charging back at me, in full force. It was as if because I'd been so happy for five years I had to have an extra large blow. You know, like when it doesn't rain for ages, and then you get a big storm. The storm just hit, and now I'm left to cope with the destruction that it's left. _

"I guess not everyone can have the good things happen to them. Some people have to be happy, and some people have to be sad. I always wondered when I was a kid why the good and bad things couldn't be shared out fairly, why it was all so unfair. I still don't understand. Maybe it's something I did wrong, or maybe I'm just unlucky. I don't know, I don't think anyone will ever know. Do you know what I mean? I'm not sure that I do. The only thing I know at the moment is that my life sucks." 

*** 

"Abby, you know you didn't have to come in today," Kerry said, approaching her. "You can take as much time off as you like." 

"Thanks Kerry, but I don't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I need to keep busy." She pushed past the older woman, making her way to the staff room to put her coat away. 

She walked over to her locker and opened it. After placing her coat inside and taking her stethoscope out she slammed the door. 'Lockhart' the label on the front of it said. She remembered how she'd kept her old surname at work, to avoid confusion. She looked to the locker next to her own, with 'Carter' on it. She sighed sadly, pulling the tag off the front. She stared at it for a moment, her eyes welling up with tears. He didn't need the surname anymore. She clipped the label over the one which read 'Lockhart' and smiled at it sadly. Looking down at her ID badge she made a mental note to visit security later and get it changed. 

"Morning Abby," Chen said, entering the room. Abby looked up and her and smiled weakly. 

"Hey." 

"Are you okay?" Chen opened her locker door, dumping some things inside. Abby shrugged, and turned to leave. "I'm so sorry about everything Abby. John…he was a great person." 

"I know," she replied. "Sorry, I have to get to work." She quickly exited the room, needing to get away from the conversation that was inevitably about to start. 

*** 

_ "I went to the park today. Saw some parents with their kids, all laughing and playing happily. There was a little girl there with a pale blue coat just like Holly's, and she had brown hair tied back with ribbons. I couldn't help thinking for a moment that it was her: that she hadn't really died, I'd just lost her for a while. And now I'd found her. I'm sure I grinned to myself, everyone must have thought I was mad. If they even noticed me. A woman went up to the girl and took her hand, leading her over to the swings. I wanted to shout at her, demand to know what she was doing with my daughter. I was ready to go and give her a big hug. Is that a bad thing, do you think? And then the woman put her onto a swing, and I could hear her shouting "higher, Mummy, higher." And as her Mummy pushed her higher and higher she began to scream. Screams of excitement, and happiness. But all I could see in my mind was Holly screaming as he shot her. Her little face filled with terror, not knowing what was going to happen to her or her Daddy. _

"I almost ran over to them, to comfort the girl, tell her everything would be okay. And then the woman helped her down off the swing. 'Was that fun Amy?' she said, smiling at her. Her name's not Amy, I was thinking. And then I came back to reality, and realised it wasn't Holly. It was just some little girl who looked a bit like my daughter. She's never coming back, is she?" 

*** 

"We've got a trauma coming in," Frank said from the desk. "Five year old boy fell off his climbing frame and hit his head. ETA 5 minutes." 

"Okay, I'll take this one," Kerry said, making her way to the ambulance bay to wait. "Susan, Haleh, help me with this one." 

"You need a hand?" Abby asked, looking up from a chart she was looking at. 

"No it's okay, we got this one. You stick to minor cases." She continued on her way to the ambulance bay, and Abby ran after her. 

"Do you think I'm not capable of dealing with a trauma?" she all but yelled, standing in Kerry's way in the doorway. 

"I think it would be better if you kept away from traumas at the moment, yes." She pushed past Abby, into the ambulance bay. 

"I can still do my job Kerry!" 

"I didn't say you couldn't." 

"That was the implication though." Abby was prevented from going any further with her complaint when the ambulance pulled into the bay. 

"This is Kieran. Five-year-old male, fell off the top of the climbing frame, and hit his head, losing consciousness. Hasn't regained consciousness," the paramedic reeled off as they unloaded the patient. 

"Let's get him to trauma room one." Abby stepped forwards towards the gurney, taking an edge of it to wheel him along. "Abby, I said to deal with minors." 

"And I want to help." Kerry looked around for someone to help her. Haleh and Susan were both approaching the gurney, ready to help. 

"Susan, can you take Abby through to the lounge please?" 

*** 

_ "Do you think they were in pain? I mean, not when they were shot, when they died? Was John unconscious when he died? I know Holly was, but did she feel any pain? I know as a nurse I should know. But do we really know? I can't count the number of times I've been asked by relatives if their loved ones were suffering when they died. And I dutifully say 'No, they weren't in any pain.' But we don't know, do we? None of us have been in that position, we can't tell. It hurts to think that the two people I loved most in the world could have suffered. Could have, I know they did, because some loser shot them. To keep himself out of prison for having illegal drugs. And now he's banged up for double murder. My husband and daughter got pulled into something they had nothing to do with. And they got killed. _

"Did you ever meet John? He worked at County for years, I don't think he could leave the place. Sentimental attachment and all that. The only thing that could pull him away from it was death. He was a great person. I think you would have liked him. Most people liked him, I think. He was a very likeable person. I caused quite an uproar among the women in the hospital when I married him. I think they all wanted their chance with the gorgeous Dr. Carter. But he loved me, and I loved him. We were so happy. You should have seen us, we were like a fairy tale couple sometimes. We over came all our problems to become a loving, caring couple. Husband and wife. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Till death do us part. The marriage ceremony doesn't quite get that bit right. 'Till death do us part.' Death's parted us, but that will never stop me loving him. 

"Did I mention how happy we were? I'll bring you some pictures. Of our wedding, and when Holly was a baby. She was such a sweet baby, and I never saw a more beautiful child. But maybe that's because she was mine. They say you always think your own child is more beautiful. But she truly was wonderful. She looked like John, I think. Susan told me when I found out I was pregnant that John and I would have the most gorgeous kids ever. I laughed at her, but Holly was gorgeous. She definitely had his eyes, I'm not sure about the nose. Have you seen a picture? No, of course not, I've got to bring them in. I'll show you, and you can tell me what you think. Other people often see things better, you know, from a different perspective. Remind me to bring them for you." 

*** 

Abby sat on the sofa in the doctor's lounge, staring straight in front of her at nothing particular. She'd been sitting right here when she found out that Holly had died. She could already feel her eyes beginning to fill with tears just thinking about it. Maybe Weaver was right, maybe she couldn't do her job properly right now. But what else was there to do? She couldn't be a mother, or a wife, because she wasn't either of them anymore. All she could do was eat, sleep and work. She knew it was the wrong thing to do, but if she just kept on working and sleeping she wouldn't have time to think about how much she'd lost. 

She heard the door open, and looked round to see Kerry. "Hi," she choked out, trying to stop the tears that were beginning. "How's the kid?" 

"He's good," Kerry smiled. "The CT didn't show any problems, he should be fine. We're just waiting for a bed for him." Abby smiled sadly. 

"Good, I'm glad he's okay." 

"I wanted to apologise for earlier Abby," Kerry said, coming and sitting down next to her. "I didn't mean to make you feel like I thought you were incapable. I just thought it would be easier for you." 

"I know, thank you. And I'm sorry I got so angry at you. My emotions are all over the place. I thought I was right, but you were. I can't do this." 

"I think you should take time off Abby." 

"To do what? Sit at home on my own and cry? There is nothing for me to do. Work's all I have now." She sighed sadly, wiping her eyes. "Please understand that I need this." 

"It's not good for you Abby..." 

"I know. But losing my husband and daughter wasn't good for me. I don't think working non stop's going to make much difference." 

"Okay," she nodded, allowing Abby to have what she wanted for now. "But if you need the time off, then you can have it. At however short notice." 

"Thanks." 

*** 

_ "I haven't told you about our wedding yet, have I? It was wonderful, so simple and yet so perfect. John's family wanted a big affair - you know, with all the important people from the city attending. It was the wedding of the heir to the Carter family fortune, after all. But we didn't want that, we insisted on something small. Family and friends only. No mayor, or president of the history museum, or anything like that. It was so different to my wedding to Richard. That was my first husband. I don't really think about him much anymore, leaving him was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I'm not sure why I ever married him. I think it was because I didn't know what it meant to love a man, not until I met John. Our wedding was big and fancy, or at least as fancy as we could afford. But the quiet, personal wedding John and I had was so much more personal. Mom was delighted, obviously. I think she knew that I wasn't right with Richard from the beginning, cause I didn't see her like that at our wedding. Everyone thought our problems would be too much, but we overcame them. _

"That was one of the happiest days of my life. All the people I cared about were around me, celebrating with me, and I was married to the man of my dreams. Despite being a little disappointed that we didn't want a big wedding, Gamma made sure we had everything just how we wanted it. John once told me that Gamma and I were the only two people who ever truly understood him. That's why she accepted what we wanted, I think. She loved him so much, and she accepted me into the family so easily. I wasn't from a rich important family, but she could see that her John loved me, and so she loved me too. And you should have seen her with Holly. She spoilt that kid rotten! Do you think I should go and see Gamma? I haven't really spoken to her since it happened, I didn't think I could face her. Too painful. I'm scared for her. I'm scared that this will finish her off, the grief she feels over losing John. She doesn't have anything to live for now. At least I have my work, but she has nothing. I think I'll go and see her, or I'd never forgive myself if something happened." 

*** 

"Excuse me, nurse," a woman said, approaching Abby as she walked across the ER with a pile of charts. 

"Hmm?" Abby replied, dumping the charts onto the admit desk. "Can I help you?" 

"Yes, could someone please come and explain to me what's happening with my daughter? They sent her for an x-ray an hour ago, and she hasn't been back yet." Abby furrowed her brow. 

"An hour?" The woman nodded. "What's your daughter's name? I'll try to find out what's happening." 

"Thank you, thank you very much. Her name's Sophie Ruperts, she's seven. That's very find of you nurse...sorry, what was your name?" 

"Abby. Abby Carter. I'll let you know when I find anything out. Would you like to wait in chairs?" The woman nodded, and made her way back to chairs. Abby made her way over to the computer, typing the name in. 

"Frank do you know what happened to the girl who went up to x-ray?" He shrugged. 

"I didn't know we'd sent any kids to x-ray, check with..." 

"Oh no," Abby interrupted him, staring at the screen. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Forty five minutes. That woman's daughter died forty five minutes ago, and no one even bothered to tell her." She could feel the anger boiling up inside her. "Does no one care anymore? How do you think that woman feels, how do you think she's going to feel when I tell her?" 

"Would you like me to get Dr. Lewis to go talk to her?" 

"No, I'll talk to her," Abby said, angrily brushing and tear away from her cheek. "She needs to talk to someone who actually gives a damn about what happened to her daughter." 

*** 

_ "You know when else I was really happy? When Holly was born. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. I always had my doubts about whether I could be a good mother, but when I held that baby in my arms I knew I was going to do just fine. And John was amazing with her, his precious little angel. He used to sing a song to her, how did it go? Oh, I remember now. 'I sit and wait, does an angel contemplate my fate. And do they know, the places where we go when we're grey and all? Cause I have been told that salvation lets their wings unfold. So when I'm lying in my bed, thoughts running through my head, and I feel that love is dead, I'm loving angels instead. And through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong. And down the waterfall wherever it may take me, I know that life won't break me when I come to call. She won't forsake me, I'm loving angels instead.' When she was old enough Holly used to sing along too. They'd sit there together, screaming it at the top of their lungs, completely differently to the lullaby it was used as when she was tiny. It's quite a sad song to sing as a child's lullaby, isn't it? I never thought about it like that before, just that it was cute. It's ironic isn't it, how this song fits my situation right now? I'm sorry, I feel like such a fool crying my eyes out in front of you. But this has just got me so emotional, I never thought about the words before. _

"What was I telling you about? Oh yeah, when Holly was a baby. She had this pretty pink dress that she looked so adorable in! I think some people must have thought we didn't have any other clothes for her. John and I both loved it so much, we'd dress her in it at every opportunity. But babies grow, and she grew out of it. I was so sad, the day I took that dress to the charity shop. I wish I'd kept it now, to remind myself of the good times. She got more clothes that she looked cute in, but nothing was as adorable as that pink dress. When her hair got long enough, I'd tie it up in bunches, using ribbons. That was cute too. Everyone always remarked on what an adorable child she was. John never quite got the colour co-ordination thing though. Pink top and red ribbons is a no go. 

"Did you know I was late for my period? I allowed myself to think for a while that I could be pregnant, that I would have something left after all. I don't know if I could cope with raising a child by myself, but at least I would have something, I could be a mother. But I don't have to worry about whether I could do it or not. I started this morning. I should never have let myself believe that I was pregnant, I was so upset. I completely believed that I was, that I'd have a baby and I could be happy again. I even thought about names, you know? John Truman Carter IV if it was a boy, to carry on the family tradition. And for a girl I thought Jade Holly. What do you think of that? I couldn't name her Holly, it wouldn't be right. But she could have her big sister's name as a middle name. Listen to me, I'm not even pregnant. But I so want to believe I am. I know this isn't healthy, to keep living in a world that doesn't exist. But don't you think it's so much nicer?" 

*** 

"I...I don't understand," the woman stuttered, staring at Abby. "I thought she just went for an x-ray." 

"Yes, there were complications, I believe." Abby paused, trying to decide whether to tell the woman or not. She had to know. "Mrs. Ruperts, Sophie died almost an hour ago." 

"What? Why didn't anyone tell me?" 

"I can't answer that for you," Abby said sadly, fiddling with her hands in her lap. "Sometimes the system slips up. But that's no excuse at all." 

"I wasn't there for her, at the end. Do you think it hurt her?" Abby gulped back tears. _"I can't count the number of times I've been asked by relatives if their loved ones were suffering when they died. And I dutifully say 'No, they weren't in any pain.' But we don't know, do we?"_

"I don't know," she said honestly. "I really don't know." She could feel the tears pricking the backs of her eyes. "I'm sorry, that's not what you want to hear..." 

"No, thank you for being honest." The woman took a tissue out of her bag, wiping the tears away from her eyes. "I thought I'd have her forever, that she'd have to bury me, not the other way round. And now..." 

"I know," Abby said, placing a sympathetic hand on the woman's knee, and trying to stop her own tears from falling. "It's wrong, as parents we shouldn't have to see our children die." 

"You have children?" Abby began to nod her head, and then stopped. 

"No. I guess I don't." She wiped at her eyes: she wasn't going to cry in front of this woman. "I did, but...now I don't. I'm sorry," she said, getting up hurriedly. "If you need anything just ask." 

She rushed out of the room and down the hall into the toilets. As soon as she was safely locked inside a stall she let the tears fall freely. 

*** 

_ "I saw Gamma. She was so different; it was like I was talking to a different Gamma. She's holding out, I think. She has more experience with grief than I do. I've had misery my whole life, but never grief before. We had a long chat, about John and Holly, and just life in general. It was good, I missed not seeing her for the last few weeks. _

"I visited the graveyard today. It was so quiet and peaceful. And it was snowing while I was there. Holly always loved the snow, it seemed so appropriate. I don't know what happened, but I found myself making a snowman by her grave. She wouldn't want flowers, she was just a kid. They'd mean nothing to her. I went to the shops, to buy a carrot for the nose. Holly used to tell me that a snowman isn't complete until it has a carrot nurse. But when I got back to the grave, someone had knocked the snowman over. That hurt, so much more than I could explain to you. I was angry, and upset, and I just sat down in the snow and sobbed. It was bad enough that Holly couldn't be running around throwing snowballs, but her snowman being destroyed...that was just too much. It was like she'd been killed all over again. 

"Susan's taking me out tonight, for a girlie pampering I think. She always knows how to make me feel better, but I don't think it will work this time. Did you know that I used to be a drunk? It's so tempting just to go down to the pub or something instead, and drink myself into a coma. It would certainly make life easier. The only thing stopping me is John. He was so patient, and he helped me so much. He hated that I drank, but he tried to help me while still showing his love for me, so that it didn't seem like he was trying to fix me. If I went and drank I'd be destroying all the hard work he did. And he wouldn't want to be the reason that I got drunk either. I owe him at least that much. He saved my life, he can't be the reason I lose it." 

*** 


	3. Chapter 3

"Mum? Are you okay?" Lauren asked with concern. Abby nodded her head.

"Yes, I'm just tired. I'm going to go to bed." She slowly lifted herself out of the chair. As she stepped across the room she could see the room swaying around her. "Lauren…" Her daughter's hand grabbed her arm, holding her steady.

"Okay Mum, it's okay. I'm going to call Dad." She eased her mother back into the chair.

"Yes, get John," she smiled.

"John? Who's John?"

"John, my husband…the only man I ever loved." Lauren looked concerned, not sure what to do.

"You're not married to anyone called John, Mum."

"Yes I am, I am."

"Mum, do you know where you are?"

"I'm at home!" she exclaimed, confused at the question. "Why wouldn't I know?"

"Do you know what your name is?"

"Yes, of course, I'm Abby!" Lauren smiled with relief. "Abby Carter."

"No Mum. Who's Abby Carter?"

"Me. I'm Abby Carter."

"No, you're Abby Simmons. Do you…"

"Mummy," four-year-old Samantha cried, running into the room. "James hit me!"

"Okay Sammy, I'll come and sort you out in a minute. I just have to help Grandma, okay? She's not feeling very well." Samantha nodded, and ran out of the room. "Do you know who that was, Mum?" Lauren asked, turning back to her mother.

"Yes, that was Holly. John always gets the ribbons wrong. They always clash with her jumper! I always have to change them." She grinned.

"Who's Holly?" Lauren could feel tears welling up in her eyes. This wasn't her mother; there was something wrong.

"Holly's my daughter."

"No, Mum, you only have one daughter. Me. My name's Lauren, not Holly." Abby shook her head, becoming distressed.

"What have you done with Holly? Is she okay?"

"That wasn't Holly, that was your granddaughter Samantha. You remember her?" Once again Abby shook her head. "Do you know how old you are?"

"Yes, I'm thirty eight. My name's Abby Carter, I'm thirty eight, I'm a nurse at County General in Chicago. I'm married to John Carter, and we have a daughter called Holly."

"No Mum, you're seventy six." Lauren was crying freely now. "Please, please be okay."

"I'm fine!" Abby laughed. She stared at the woman crouching down by her chair. Should she know her? "Who are you? Why are you in my house? Are you a babysitter for Holly?"

"No! I'm your daughter!"

"No you're not dear. I'm sure you're a lovely woman, but you're not my daughter. Holly's my daughter. She'll be home soon, you can meet her if you like." Abby stopped, thinking. Something wasn't quite right. "There's something wrong…something happened…"

"Yes Mum," Lauren said, allowing herself to smile. "You've been daydreaming. Everything's going to be fine now though."

"No, it's…Holly." Lauren sighed sadly. "She…she was shot. He shot her. And John too." She looked up into Lauren's eyes. "Are they dead?"

"Oh Mum…"

"No, they're not dead," Abby said confidently. "I'm going to go to sleep – wake me up when John and Holly get home."

"Mum…" Abby shut her eyes, not wanting to talk to this woman anymore. "Mum, please!" She could still hear the voice, this wasn't right. She wasn't her daughter! "Mum, wake up." Abby shook her head violently. "Mum! Can you hear me?" She could feel herself being shaken, and then she felt a sharp pain in her chest. She wanted to cry out for help, but then she'd have to talk to the woman. "MUM!" She heard the voice yelling, and then Abby realised that she couldn't feel the pain in her chest or the shaking anymore. She smiled to herself. "Mummy, wake up." She pain and shaking may have been relieved, but the persisting voice hadn't stopped. "Mummy, come on." The shaking began once more, and the person that the voice belonged to laughed, a happy child's laugh. Abby gave up resisting the voice, and opened her eyes. A little girl sat in front of her, wearing a pink sweatshirt and blue hair ribbons. "You were all sleepy Mummy!" she laughed, pulling Abby out of the chair.

"Holly," Abby murmured, grinning. "They told me you were shot…"

"That's silly Mummy!" Holly laughed, taking her through to the next room. "Daddy made you coffee." Abby smiled, stepping forwards and taking a cup from her husband. She kissed him gently on the cheek as she took it.

"Thank you John." He grinned, taking her hand in his and holding it tight.

"Did I do the ribbons right?" She smiled, nodding.

"Yeah, everything's perfect."

***The End***

That's it, I'm not writing any more. I hope this wasn't too dreadfully depressing - if it was, I prescribe some fuzz. :) Please let me know what you think. 

__

23/11/03 – Edited today because I've noticed from reviews (over a long time, I just never got round to editing before this!) that there's a little bit of confusion over the end. So, I just thought I'd explain what my thought was. Sorry if it wasn't too clear. :( When I wrote this, my thought was that Abby had died at the end, and that's why she was with John and Holly. If you find that too depressing and want to think she woke up and it was all a dream then that's fine by me, but that's not how I intended it! I just wanted to let people know, since I've noticed through comments that it may not have been entirely obvious. Thanks! Jo xx


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